The Lutheran Ladies: Out of the Church and Into the Front Yard

You know these women. You work with these women.

The Lutheran Ladies’ journeys continue. Now they’re out of the church and setting up shop in the front yard. They aren’t afraid to tell you:

• Your shirt doesn’t go with your pants.
• Your casserole needs more seasoning
• You’re dating the wrong man.

Join them as they travel….

Through the Knothole
(in the Lutheran Ladies’ Series)
Book 2

Length: 60,000 words

Kay McCabe is about to lose her house. As a single mom, it’s taken her years to create a safe, cozy home. But when two old Lutheran women need a place to stay, she’s pretty sure she’s about to lose even more.

When Kay’s job falls off an economic cliff, her knee-jerk solutions of renting rooms to the Lutherans and working in a bar, plug up life even more. Now she’s stuck in a new job she hates. Exhausted, she comes home to a couple of comical old church women who barely restrain their opinions, especially about her romantic interest. It’s like living with her mother again—actually two mothers.

She’s lost her privacy. Lost her humor. Lost her faith in others. And God isn’t answering his email.

Now Kay must decide: to try to get life back to normal—or squeeze through a knothole toward the new and unknown.

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Laugh, Enjoy. And Tell Others…because you know someone just like these women.

One is looking for normal
One is a charming nutcase
One is Manager-in-Training-for-the-Universe

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

The Lutheran Ladies Guide to Movie Etiquette For Morons

I know the title seems rather harsh, but I didn’t know what term to use for someone whose

We like going to the movies…or used to….

actions fall between blockhead and half-wit. Let me explain…

We like to catch a matinee every month. Five of our last six outings have been pestered by people whose brains have been disconnected from their social skills. Honestly! We’ve decided that movie watching behavior has gone the way of  the typewriter and the corded phone.

Let’s have a short refresher course in Movie-Watching Etiquette in case anyone needs a reminder of these transgressions.

CHOSE YOUR SEAT

Maybe it’s been a hundred years since you’ve been in church. There’s a reason why people sit in the very back pews. It’s so they can slip out easily.  The same rule applies at the movies. So, if you :

• have a bladder problem
• need to call the baby sitter
• or plan on getting a free refill on that half-gallon of soda and bathtub of popcorn you bought at concessions….

Then for the love of everyone’s knees…SIT BY THE DOOR.  Don’t climb over people.

And if you do have an emergency and must leave, WALK SIDEWAYS down the row. Nobody wants your bedonkadonk in their face.  Or…heaven forbid…your crotch.  Just shuffle like a normal human being would down a sidewalk and move out of the row.

THERE’S A REASON MOVIES HAVE A RATING SYSTEM

Just because you can haul a child into an R-rated movie if they’re accompanied by an

adult, doesn’t mean you should.  So when a child cries because aliens are probing innocent beach party-goers or psychos are jumping from behind every tree, or the Dolby sound system is rattling the tubes in your kid’s ears…it means your child isn’t enjoying the movie.  The rest of us aren’t either. As a matter of fact, you may be the only one in the theater, ignoring your kiddo , watching the flick. Your bliss won’t last long. Someone will  get management and you’ll be asked to leave.

So why not save everyone the hassle?  Go to the child’s age-appropriate film in the first

place. All of us have paid our dues and sat through more Disney, Pixar, and Hannah Barbara movies than we can count. Please…Adult-up and do the same.

JUST SHUT UP

“Oh, my.” one of the Lutheran Ladies will say, when I quote this rule. But these three words cover a legion of movie sins.  We think the problem originates because folks are used to sitting at home, talking back to their TV. People cuss the news, moan at the weather, sneer at reality shows. They’ve trained themselves to talk to their entertainment.

How else can anyone explain why some people narrate the movie?   If you’re guilty of being a movie commentator, you need to know that you don’t need to tell us:

• “It’s Glenda, the good witch,”  “He didn’t really die,” “Sauron did it,” or anything that’s happening on the screen. We can see it for ourselves.
• We’re not  talking about emotional gasps, laughs, and moans that are a natural part of movie enjoyment.  This rule is for those folks who share their running commentary of what’s happening.
• As brilliant as your observations probably are…people paid to hear the movie, not you commenting on the action.

This Just-Shut-Up-And-Enjoy-The-Movie rule, takes care of:

• sucking the last ounce of liquid out of your cup
• rattling your Raisinettes
• filling in your movie-friend on what he/she missed when they went to the bathroom
• and just because you’re texting, doesn’t mean you’re not talking or disturbing anyone.  Shut it off.

Aunt Ula has a longer list of movie sins. (She should know because she’s broken most of them and been asked to leave.) But nobody wants to read a blog that long.

Actually most movie problems can be solved if folks simply remember one thing.

Movie-watching is a community experience.

You’re not alone at home. Or as they say in the movies…

You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy.

Do you have a movie-watching etiquette pet peeve?

.

Photos: Theater:Joeybls Photography; Saurons Eye-Wikipedia; Disney-by Crunchbase; dog-yuankuei; Dorothy-Wizard of Oz-FanPop

The Best Compliments—Ever

When I’m having a tough day, there’s a special compliment I pull out and imprint on my brain….

It’s from a woman who emailed me saying: “I was receiving chemo and reading your book outloud. All of us in the room were laughing so hard, the nurse came to check on us.”

The compliment made me cry. Little did the reader know that I’d written the book for my mom. She died before I finished it. The reader’s words were balm to my soul.

My writing critique group analyzed the mysteries of what  makes a GREAT compliment.  The warm words you haul out when days are dark and the laughter is scarce?

Here’s a start.  Feel free to add to the list…or even argue with it:

The Secrets of  A WARM COMPLIMENT

Recognize the person’s character. It’s easy to say, “That was a  (good meal, nice piece

Your smile reminds me of the Laughing Cow. NOOOOO…that’s not the compliment you want to use.

of writing, kind gift, nice outfit….blah blah,whatever ).

So go one step deeper. Compliment the character trait. The willingness of the cook to take time to create such a  tasty meal.  Or the openness of the writer to share so deeply. Or the talent of the giver to craft such a lovely gift or outfit.

Anybody can give someone a piece of chocolate,  But the compliment comes from recognizing the behind-the-scenes personal effort (thinking about them, spending time and money, and delivering it—that takes intent and concern.  It’s like a kiss to the soul when someone else

You have a crocodile smile. Er…I mean a BIG smile. Forget it. That won’t work either.

recognizes the depth of your efforts.

Make the compliment specific. I like to hear the words, “Good job,” but I like it even better when someone says, “They way you describe this character makes me laugh and cry in the same sentence. “Nice smile,” becomes even more personal when it’s “Your smile makes me feel important.”

Do You appreciate it or not? I have a friend who hands out compliments in this manner: “It’s a good thing you’re small, or you couldn’t wear that dress.“
WHAT?
I have begun replying, “Is that a compliment or a complaint?”

C’mon. Don’t be stingy. If you appreciate something, commit to saying say so with, “I really

Your smile helps my heart laugh and remember the world is good.

liked it when….”  “It meant a lot to me when….”

Be genuine.  I bet everyone has received a fake-O admiration. It’s like pouring sour milk over a conversation. Thanks for the Blaaaah feeling I get from your pseudo goodwill. If you don’t mean it–don’t say it. But surely there’s something positive you can say about a burnt meal or a bad hair-cut. Even if it’s about how they have the character to deal with it (eventually laugh about it??)  and go on.

So now share with me please….

What’s a compliment you pull out on your crummy days?  Why is it special?

Photos by: Jo Jakeman, fdecomite, Delirante,Vanessa Pike Russel

Weasel-y Troubles and Donuts of Comfort

Don’t you hate it when someone tells you, “Troubles produce endurance”?

I want to stomp my foot, clench my fists and yell.  I don’t want endurance. I want my weasel-y troubles to roll over, four stiff legs in the air with big Xs on its dilemma-like eyes.

I want comfort. Like fat donuts. Or hot buttered bread.

I recently told a baker this and he educated me that yeasty products can be mixed two ways.

THE SPONGE METHOD.
Stirs the four, yeast and half the needed water into a slurry.  It’s made several hours ahead of time. Later when the complete dough is mixed, it can be shaped and baked after 1 rising.. (This allows the baker to sleep through the night.)

THE STRAIGHT DOUGH METHOD
Is the way we do it at home.  Mix the ingredients. Let it rise. Knock it down. Let it rise. Knock it down again and then shape it.

The straight dough method requires more “hand discipline.” It takes longer. It gets “knocked down” more often.

It also produces a better textured bread with fewer holes and a deeper flavor and  aroma.

So I sigh…
I suppose that’s like us…traveling through life.

The “hand discipline”, the “knocking down” creates a better product. The works of our hands become more flavorful because of what we’ve been through.

Phooey!!! It seems no one escapes life’s knocks.  Not even bread.

But you can bet, while I’m learning my lessons…I’m padding the blows with prayers, a few fat donuts (and maybe a hot chocolate, too.)

The Rule Women Are Afraid to Break

Thank heavens fashion has changed over the last decade.

Even those pioneer women who crossed the plains broke the rules. Oh…they wore long

dresses and corsets….but they didn’t tighten them.  Walk 20 miles cinched up in whale bone staves?? No Way. These women knew how to survive and it wasn’t in a corset.

That brought up a hot discussion among the Lutheran Ladies

What should Women Wear to Special Occasions Now Days?

(Weddings, Funerals, etc)

Dresses?   Yes, everyone agreed.

Slacks?  Okay. As long as they’re elegant. A few ladies admitted they don’t wear dresses anymore…only slacks.

Jeans?  HA.Ha.  Get out of here.

Zara Phillips, Daughter of Princess Anne at the Royal Wedding

Hats?  Wear ‘em if you got ‘em.

But there was one powerful rule most women were afraid to break. They’d heard it since they were born. Everyone agreed it had changed, but rarely did anyone break it.

What was this powerful magic forcing its domain over a woman’s closet????

 The No White After Labor Day Rule

The why of the rule has been lost, but like a ghost story, it still haunts fashion.

The myth is that in the 1880s, there were complex social rules for those in the know. Show up to a gala in a puffy-sleeved gown when the “cool” ladies wore straight sleeve and you and your vulgar new money could expect to be snubbed (just like at a Jr. High Dance.)

Not wearing white after Labor Day seems to be one of these rules.  By the 50s, the No-Summer-No-White  had become a commandment for everyone.

Liberation

You can blame Coco Chanel for changing the rules.

She introduced:

The Little Black Dress

Tweed Suits

Bell Bottoms.

And She wore white year-round.

Go ahead. Free your white clothes.

Let them enjoy Christmas. 

Do you break the “no-white” rule?

Even the Rocks Sing

As two-legged brainiacs, mouth whipping each other with political rhetoric and thumping our chests, we bask at the top of the food chain.

Cattle, fish, soybeans?….All for our enjoyment.

Trees, water, beer cans?…Fodder for our convenience. Never mind that a swollen sense of entitlement for 7-billion+ people means polar bears will be moving into my backyard. Hopefully, they’ll keep the neighbor’s dog from using my lawn as an outhouse.

The good news is there’s something we humans can’t mess with.

It seems a benevolent Creator hid it at the fringes of our atmosphere. And here’s what it sounds like:

What is it? It’s the song from the protective magnetic field wrapped around our little blue planet. Like bullets bouncing off of Superman’s chest, the Magnetosphere deflects charged-particle-blasts from the sun. “Without it, that solar wind would basically blow away much of our atmosphere,” says Peter Tomson, environmental editor at The World.

Ham radio operators have heard fuzzy renditions for years, but NASA satellites captured the radio wave with digital clarity (and you thought the Space Program just delivered Dr. Pepper to the International Space Station).

They’ve named the sound, “Chorus.” And as long as the globe keeps spinning, it’ll keep protecting us. Somehow there’s hope in the thought there are things in the world we can’t change.

And that may be why the planet sings its song.

Dinner for the Exhausted

You know how I love change, (cough, cough).  Well, I’m sure the Kitchenettes, those brave ladies who clean the church kitchen, are gonna love the Exhaust Burger Dinner. As a matter of fact, it’ll change every busy man or woman’s life.

No more rushing home from

I hope I have time to stop and get some potato salad

• Work
• Committee Meetings
• Choir
• Gym

to cook dinner. A home-cooked meal is just a drive around the block, a few times with the …..

Exhaust Burger

Add the burger in the handy-dandy pocket. It’s not cooked by the fumes, but by the heat generated by those fumes as you drive your car.

Sorry, only one burger at a time, but if traffic is bad…you can hop out while I-5 looks like a parking lot and change those patties. (Hint: Keep a foil pouch in the back seat and toss the cooked burgers in.)

Featured in Design Boom in 2008, I’m just not sure why it doesn’t come standard with a new car purchase.   How do you get dinner on the table on a busy night?